I use these handouts and others for the Couples Therapy program. There are some examples. I hope you find them helpful!
Handout 1: Navigating Your Relationship: Building a Strong Love Map
(Client Name: _______________)
Introduction: A strong relationship is built on deep understanding. A “Love Map” is like a detailed map of your partner’s inner world – their history, preferences, stresses, joys, and dreams. The better you know your partner, the stronger your connection will be, and the better equipped you’ll be to navigate challenges together.
Key Questions for Building Your Love Map:
About Their World:
- What are your biggest stresses right now?
- What are you most looking forward to?
- What are some of your current goals or aspirations?
- Who are the most important people in your life, and why?
- What are some things that have been making you happy lately?
About Their History:
- Where did you grow up, and what are some of your favorite memories from that time?
- What are some experiences (positive or negative) that have significantly shaped who you are today?
- What are some family traditions or stories that are important to you?
About Their Likes and Dislikes:
- What are some of your favorite foods, movies, music, books, or TV shows?
- What are your hobbies and interests?
- What are some things that tend to irritate or annoy you?
- What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind?
Activity: Love Map Check-In: Take some time to discuss these questions with your partner. Share your answers openly and listen with curiosity. This is an ongoing process – remember to revisit and update your Love Maps regularly as your lives evolve.
Handout 2: The Power of Turning Towards: Building Emotional Connection
(Client Name: _______________)
Introduction: Small moments of connection add up to a strong relationship. A “bid for connection” is any attempt your partner makes to engage with you – it could be a comment, a question, a touch, or even just a glance. How you respond to these bids has a huge impact on your emotional connection.
Examples of Bids and Responses:
- Bid: “Did you see that article about the local animal shelter?” Turning Towards: “No, I didn’t! Tell me about it.” Turning Away: Silence or changing the subject. Turning Against: “I’m busy right now. Can’t you see I’m working?”
- Bid: Partner sighs and looks out the window. Turning Towards: “Something on your mind?” Turning Away: Ignoring the sigh. Turning Against: “What’s wrong now?”
Why Turning Towards Matters: Consistently turning towards your partner’s bids builds trust, strengthens your bond, and creates a sense of emotional safety. It shows your partner that you care about them and are interested in their world.
Tips for Turning Towards:
- Pay attention to your partner’s bids, even the subtle ones.
- Respond positively, even if you’re feeling stressed or busy. A brief acknowledgment is better than nothing.
- Show genuine interest in what they’re saying or doing.
- Make eye contact, smile, and offer verbal affirmations.
Practice: Make a conscious effort to notice and respond positively to your partner’s bids for connection throughout the day. See how these small moments can make a big difference in your relationship.
Handout 3: Taming the Four Horsemen: Building a Foundation for Healthy Conflict
(Client Name: _______________)
Introduction: All couples experience conflict, but how you handle conflict can make or break your relationship. Dr. Gottman identified four destructive communication patterns, “The Four Horsemen,” that predict relationship breakdown: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
The Four Horsemen:
- Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character or personality. Example: “You’re so lazy!”
- Contempt: Treating your partner with disrespect and disdain. Example: Eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling.
- Defensiveness: Seeing yourself as the victim and refusing to take responsibility. Example: “It’s not my fault, you made me do it!”
- Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation and refusing to engage. Example: Silence, ignoring, walking away.
Antidotes to the Four Horsemen:
- Criticism: Gentle Start-Up: Focus on the specific behavior, express your own feelings using “I” statements, and state your positive need. Example: “I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done. Could we find a way to share this responsibility?”
- Contempt: Build a Culture of Appreciation: Focus on your partner’s positive qualities and express gratitude regularly.
- Defensiveness: Take Responsibility: Acknowledge your part in the conflict, even if it’s small.
- Stonewalling: Self-Soothing: Take a break from the conversation to calm down. Agree to return to the discussion later when you’re both more regulated.
Practice: Become aware of the Four Horsemen in your own interactions. When you notice them creeping in, try to use the antidotes instead.
Handout 4: Honoring Dreams: Supporting Each Other’s Aspirations
(Client Name: _______________)
Introduction: Supporting each other’s dreams and aspirations is a vital part of a healthy relationship. It shows your partner that you value their individuality and are invested in their happiness.
Exploring Dreams:
- What are some of your long-term goals or dreams?
- What are some things you’d love to do or experience in your life?
- What are some things you’re passionate about?
- What are some obstacles that might be standing in your way?
Turning Dreams into Reality:
- Offer encouragement and support.
- Help your partner brainstorm ideas and develop a plan.
- Offer practical assistance where you can.
- Celebrate their successes, no matter how small.
Discussion: Take time to discuss your dreams and aspirations with your partner. Listen with empathy and offer your support. Creating a shared vision for the future can strengthen your bond and bring you closer together.