The Gottman Institute, founded by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, emphasizes building a “Sound Relationship House” to strengthen emotional connection. Their research suggests that small, consistent actions often have a greater impact on relationship satisfaction than grand gestures.
Here are specific exercises and activities designed to deepen emotional intimacy from The Gottman Institute.
1. Building Love Maps
A “Love Map” is the internal roadmap you have of your partner’s psychological world. This exercise helps you stay updated on your partner’s life, as people change over time. The goal is to know their current stresses, joys, friends, and dreams.
- How to do it: Set aside time to ask each other questions that update your knowledge of one another. You can do this like a game or a casual conversation.
- Sample Questions:
- Who are your two closest friends right now?
- What is your biggest stressor this week?
- What is your favorite way to be soothed?
- What is your fondest unrealized dream?
- Who is your least favorite relative?
- What is your current favorite song or band?
2. The Stress-Reducing Conversation
This is a structured 20-minute daily check-in (often called the “How was your day?” conversation) designed to help couples manage external stress together. It prevents external stress from spilling into the relationship.
- Step 1: Take turns speaking for 10 minutes each.
- Step 2: The speaker complains about stress outside the relationship (work, traffic, friends). Do not discuss relationship issues during this time.
- Step 3: The listener must offer understanding and empathy, not solutions. Avoid trying to “fix” the problem unless explicitly asked.
- Key Phrases for the Listener:
- “That sounds terrible.”
- “I can see why you’d be stressed about that.”
- “I’m on your side.”
- “We will get through this.”
3. Turning Towards Bids for Connection
A “bid” is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or extended conversation. It can be as simple as a sigh, a smile, or a comment like, “Look at that bird.” Emotional connection is built by noticing these small moments and responding positively.
- The Activity: For one week, consciously look for your partner’s small attempts to connect.
- Turning Towards: Respond with interest or enthusiasm. (e.g., looking up from your phone, asking a follow-up question, or smiling back).
- Avoid Turning Away: Ignoring the comment or continuing what you are doing without acknowledgment.
- Avoid Turning Against: Responding with hostility or defensiveness (e.g., “Can’t you see I’m busy?”).
4. Rituals of Connection
These are reliable, consistent interactions that form the structure of your relationship. They create a sense of shared meaning and predictability.
- Partings: Before leaving for the day, learn one thing that is happening in your partner’s life that day. Establish a specific way to say goodbye (e.g., a six-second kiss).
- Reunions: When you return home, engage in a stress-reducing conversation or a specific affectionate greeting before engaging with screens or chores.
- Weekly Date Night: Allocate at least two hours once a week to be alone as a couple. The conversation should focus on you two, not logistics or household management.
- Appreciation: End each day by telling your partner one specific thing you appreciated about them that day.
5. Open-Ended Questions
To avoid “yes/no” conversations that stall connection, the Gottmans recommend asking open-ended questions that invite stories and feelings.
- Examples to ask over dinner:
- “How would you like your life to be different three years from now?”
- “What do you find most exciting about your current work/hobbies?”
- “If you could travel anywhere instantly, where would you go and why?”
- “What is one quality you want to develop in yourself?”
6. Fondness and Admiration Drills
This exercise builds a buffer of positivity that protects the relationship during conflict. It involves actively focusing on what you respect and cherish about your partner.
- The “I Appreciate” Exercise: Think of a positive quality your partner has (e.g., they are organized, funny, or brave). Recall a specific recent event where they demonstrated that quality. Share this with them verbally.
- The History Exercise: Reminisce about how you met and your first dates. Discuss what made you fall in love initially. Focusing on the positive history of the relationship can revitalize current feelings of connection.